Seeing clearly the full extent of resistance to Being Love
A habit pattern is a recognisable and repetitive response to a particular situation or context. It is not 'my' pattern, there is no private ownership of habit patterns as habit patterns arise from the part of our mind that believes separation is possible, desirable and a real event that happened. If separation happened then the true nature of reality was forever altered.
Habit pattern - don't mention any 'needs', 'requests' or 'events' until the time has arrived when the need is immanent.
H and I made a timetable yesterday for the day today and at 1pm it was written down for the kids to spend time with H in the garden. I said nothing about it until 1:10pm and then felt uncomfortable mentioning it as it would seem to be a request for 'my needs'.
Past response: don't say anything. Don't make a request. That's just the way it is. This is what you expected really, you didn't expect H to give you the time you wanted for a break, for yourself.
This could spin off into a really long justification of 'my needs aren't important', 'I can't ask for what I want' etc etc
Today's response: To mention the timetable first, then to ask what is going to happen with the expectation that something can be done (but not with a sense of openness as to what is really going on for H.) No thoughts were present in that moment such as: 'I wonder how this is for H? How does this relate to his day so far? I wonder if he has been thinking about this coming up at all?' There was actually an attitude of 'I don't expect him to be sympathetic, I don't expect him to respect my needs but I want to bring this up anyway, He wrote out the timetable, He should know that he wrote down time for me to have a break, He should own the timetable he created' So there was definitely an attitude of judgement and separation right/wrong.There were unquestioned thoughts and ideas already accepted as true and real that were forming the basis for the response.
After discussion: If these thoughts and feelings that arise within 'me' are not the essence of my identity then defence is misplaced. There was a sense of being defensive about 'my needs' but no acknowledgment of the needs of H. It was acting 'as if' we were separate and I needed to get something from him. There was definitely fear at the base of the response - 'it's me against you and I don't want it to be me who will lose.'
Insights: The whole root of this dynamic is nothing like the images that were presented in my mind, these were a fantasy. Finally listening to H and hearing what he has to say I see that that one simple act of mentioning UPCOMING 'needs' 'requests' and 'events' ahead of time there would completely resolve this dynamic and there would be no need for conflict of interest at all. The fact that this pattern has been repeating over time and time again is due to the fact that I have not heard what he has been saying all along. I have been burying my head in the sand and saying 'I'm not listening to you', 'I'm not hearing you', 'You don't deserve to have that request met', 'How dare you be so selfish as to ask for things to be done that way', 'I am not your time keeper', 'Can't you be responsible for yourself?' 'Why should I have to help you out in that way?' 'Are you not capable?'
Now: I acknowledge the reality of my being. Extending the Love that is my true source makes it possible for me to be taught the truth about Our Self (the body of Christ.) There is no reason why I cannot honour the request of H to mention upcoming events/needs/requests well before the actual time arrives. There is no need to judge this an unreasonable request.
Extra insight: The judgements that were seen in the first insight section could easily be aimed at M in my mind. In fact, my relationship with M is most probably the origin of those judgements and so it would be great to look further at that at some point.
How blessed to be given the opportunity to look clearly and honestly.
Blessed be.
